"The learning sword cut my throat and all that it taught me I cannot say".
The step is always there. It is right in front of me. I cannot miss seeing it. It all but slaps me in the face as I stumble by or around it. But I never confront it. I am always able to sidle by it. I sidle by with the complete fear that it will reach out and snare me. I am always afraid that it will grab me and toss me into some dark, damp, dirty, smelly dungeon until I take that step and vomit the truth from the bowels of my loins.
I edge by that step like I am on the side of a cliff with my back hugging the stone wall and my arms flailing out along the stone grasping for some place to grab on to. I am in fear of being sucked off. My arms are grabbing for a safety ring or a miracle lanyard to keep the giant empty space below me from sucking me over and down. My hands grasp for a stone to keep me from being sucked down to spin like a vortex of constant confusion until I am able to face and expel the demons within me.
This time I win again or maybe it is this time I lose again. I slip by the deep black hole that is trying to suck me in. I am able to present a body that looks under control.
I dread the day the door opens and the vortex sucks me in before I can slip by. I really dread that day. I really, really dread that day. I do not want to take that first step. I do not want to really know myself.
I will avoid the door and climb out the window.
Why? I always have.
I thank Poet David Whyte for the inspiration for this work. My thoughts began as I listened to his poem "Start Close In"..."take the step you do not want to take....start with a small step you can call your own".
David, I am still trying to find that first step. Maybe with your inspiration I can find myself.
I would also like to thank my friend Jim Haddad. Jim is the best writer and poet in our writing class. His "sword of knowledge" from today's reading inspired the opening poem of this post.